The unwritten saying or rather jibe that many men are in moribund relationships but cannot dare call it quits because of the large behinds flaunted by their partners is not far from the truth and could not have come at a better time. And if she is from the region that I will reveal later in the story, then it is even more difficult, let’s say impossible to some degree.
It is a fact that many men would not dare admit, but in the ungodly hours of the night, when everyone and everything is dead asleep and testing their exhaust pipes (effects of binding boiled eggs and red beans in an unholy union in their bellies) that only the footsteps of the curfew can be heard, is when this reality hits home. It really hits hard. Let us say it hits the nail on the head regardless of whether the head will be deformed or not, the end goal is simple- the nail must sink deep.
After hours of medication, the man tells himself ‘Tete Lestei’; he uses the same words Jesus used on the cross to mean ‘It is finished’. Our man, lets use Yours Truly for this case, says no ‘US’ from tomorrow and doses off convinced to the last cell of his brain that indeed it is finished.
As nature would have it, he siphons his seven or so hours of sleep and wakes up the brain refreshed ready to walk the talk. But boom, Her Excellency, the beauty goddess, she that boasts of the monopoly of beauty that could beat ‘Elechi Amadi’s concubine’ hands down, suggestively passes right in front of yours truly, packaged and sealed in an enticing booty shot that can only give a sneak preview of the palatable meal she is. Local man cannot hold, local man cannot help, local man gives in borrowing Francis Atwoli’s poetic fashion- Sina nguvu, sina uwezo.
You have heard of those women who the modern man refers to as BBW, the big beautiful women. I mean those curvaceous women with enough kilos of flesh in the right places, looking like that Bamboocha bottle that water poured on their heads would take hours to get down to their legs; meandering down their escarpments and negotiating round bends that leave modern day men chorusing yes madam, yes madam, yes gorgeous, yes goddess of beauty. I am talking of those Wakeshos, Waudas, Shighadis and their sisters. I am told Nalengi is in that group too.
Yes, those unique women that make men weak, that men capitulate before them, those women that make them drool, those well-mannered wife materials that cook for you before cooking for you, yes those ones; those that tell you to eat before you eat; they are found in county 006, Taita Taveta. They can cook ugali both in the kitchen and in the bedroom, doesn’t matter whether the cooking stick breaks or not. Of course they know some good Swahili and they will fish out a saying like ‘kuvunjika kwa mwiko sio mwisho wa upishi’. You will be at their mercy my brother.
According to sources privy to Yours Truly, the female charm from county 006 is irresistible and unbootable. A couple of men who are lucky to have these gems under their roofs ask how do you resist a beauty tsunami? How do you boot a booty? And by the way, I have never heard of one that ever bartered a husband.
You cannot help but shred all the midnight resolution of calling it quits and dump them in a bin. At least you have to wait for another night when the thoughts will resurface, thumping your chest that today I will make the move only to see your feeble legs you relied on collapse once again and the process repeats itself until you see yourself walking down the aisle singing Chawucha Mulungu. In short, it is like a cult- once you are in, you cannot go out. Ask Felix Odiwuor alias Jalang’o. Mwai wa kidawida ni baraka kufuma kwa Mulungu.